Babysitting

Well, my baby sitting days are almost over...for now. Over the past two months Amy has been working at a "real job" (as I like to call it). She has been working part-time at the halloween store which is about to come to an end. She didn't even get fired! Just when I think she has no more surprises to offer she holds down a job for two months. Anyway, she has had some pretty intense hours on the weekends which means that the ol' numero uno has been on kid duty.
I would like to pause my dictation for a moment to explain that from time to time Amy and I like to hash out one of our favorite arguments, "Does watching the kids count as real work?" Somewhere she got the crazy idea that watching the kids is real work and that she is entitled to the same degree of sympathy and caring as those of us who do real work. So, naturally, I have been looking forward to being able to stay home with the kids so that I could find out firsthand if there is any real work involved.
During the past two months I have made some interesting discoveries about baby sitting and have analyzed, in depth, the process of baby sitting. With my newfound knowledge I am now able to see how baby sitting might be hard for some people, but due to my gracious nature I am willing to divulge some of the secrets that I have used these past weeks to make the job so much easier. This is only an abridged list, but feel free to take whatever tips you like and incorporate them into your own baby sitting techniques.

Naps: I cannot begin to tell you how important naps are to the entire structure of baby sitting. There is an old saying that goes, "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a noise?" I would like to amend that saying to read, "If the kids are fighting and I am taking a nap, does anyone really get hurt?" Look, the fact is it is nearly impossible to become stressed out about the kids when you have no idea what kind of stuff they are up to. This is why naps are so important. Naps keep you in an altered state of consciousness so that the worries associated with baby sitting no longer apply to you. After all, what you don't know can't inconvenience you.

Lunch: Lunchtime is a very tricky time of day for baby sitters. But I have developed a fool proof plan for avoiding the hassle of this midday nightmare. The trick simply involves a little knowledge of science. It is common knowledge that our bodies can be tricked into thinking we are full if the caloric intake is high enough. Solution: put the candy bowl down where they can help themselves! Hello calories! Kids have no self control and they will eat enough candy that they will completely miss lunch and dinner together! Goodbye lunchtime blues!

Keeping busy: Usually I have a lot that I want to get done in a day, such as getting past level ten. However, it is often hard to accomplish your important tasks when you have so many demands being put on you by kids. Kids need to be taught to entertain themselves. They need to learn to find something to do and stick with it for a while. I have the perfect answer for this problem. I have developed a way to kill both of those metaphorical birds with one stone. Here's the trick: find something you want them to do (a game, a toy, etc.), put that item in a closet, put the child into the same closet, close the door, and block the door with a chair, dresser, or some other stationary object. I guarantee that they will find a way to occupy their own time for an indefinite period, therefor allowing you time to attend to more pressing matters.

Cleanliness: It has been said that cleanliness in next to godliness. If that is the case then children are the spawn of hell. I used to get upset when I would come home from a long hard day of real work only to find that the house was a mess. But I think that these past couple months have changed my mind on this point. I used to come home and Amy would be so exasperated, saying that she had already cleaned the house six hundred fourty two times and it still looks like she hasn't lifted a finger. My answer to this, don't lift a finger. Why go to the trouble of trying to clean when it is just going to be messed up again. I know that I have saved myself plenty of work. From now on, when I come home from my job of doing real work and the house is a pig sty, I will know that it is just good advice being followed.

There are other brilliant shortcuts that I have developed over these past couple months, but in the interest of keeping this blog short I will leave you with just these four. Remember, baby sitting is not real work, but with my advice it can practically be a vacation!