Lets talk for a moment about dignity. Dignity is defined as a state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect; a sense of pride in ones self; a high or honorable rank or position. The animal kingdom in many instances is refered to as being a dignified sphere. There is the mighty lion "King of the Jungle", the faithful dog "mans best friend", the industrious honey bee "busy as a bee". The list could go on and on. Indeed, the animal kingdom is filled with honorable or dignified animals.
However, what I would really like to talk about are the animals who have somehow dropped the ball. Yes, there are animals who are less-than-honorable. These animals who are the rejects of the animal world are soooo embarassing that long ago someone decided to gather them all up and lock them up so that they could not infect the rest of the honorable animal kingdom. The "prisons" that are used to contain the mind-boggling stupidity of these animals are called farms. That is right, if the animal kingdom was Hollywood, farm animals would be Jim Carey.
These animals are so retarded that even their names are use as insults (pig, cow, and chicken for example). It should also be noted that the only reason for the existance of these animals is to get them fat and then kill them. And they seem to be totally ok with that! Lets go down the list.
Pig: Pink. Seriously? PINK! Pink is, all by itself, a bad joke just waiting to happen. Almost every animal in nature has some sort of camouflage. Tiger stripes look like grass, lizards can change their color to blend in, eagles have white bellies to blend into the sky, etc. What must a predator think as he is out hunting for his food? "Hmmm, grass, bark, sky, water, oh hey there's a pink fleshy thing over there!"
Pigs will eat almost anything. Pigs are the only animal that I can think of that really don't care what they eat. Vegetables, meats, grains, milk, grass, feathers, drugs, paper bags, each other, dirt, you name it and they will eat it! It's amazing! One time I actually saw two pigs trying to eat a live chicken that had gotten its head stuck in the fence.
This brings me to my next animal:
Chicken: Very possibly the stupidest animal on earth. Lets put it this way, no animal that can still run a marathon after it has been decapitated can possibly have too much going on pre-decapitation. It's kind of a testament that they don't use their brains too much. Think about it, with a brain they run around aimlessly, pointlessly, and clumsily. Without a brain they run around aimlessly, pointlessly, and clumsily. Besides the whole headless horseman thing they are just stupid animals. Just the thought of a chicken often brings a small chuckle to my lips. Why? They can't fly even though they have wings, they can't think even though they have brains.
A chicken is quite possibly the only animal that is literally incapable of living in the wild. When was the last time anybody came across a wild himalayan chicken? Not so much.
Cow: What do cows do all day? nothing. They just eat, get milked, and stare at nothing all day. Every day! I don't know about you but I start to get bored after a few minutes of getting milked. (You can milk anything with nipples! ha ha) Seriously though, how could any dignified animal be content standing around...standing around all day. Their everyday lives are so boring that they don't even have to lay down to go to sleep.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Friday, November 9, 2007
Monday, November 5, 2007
Babysitting
Well, my baby sitting days are almost over...for now. Over the past two months Amy has been working at a "real job" (as I like to call it). She has been working part-time at the halloween store which is about to come to an end. She didn't even get fired! Just when I think she has no more surprises to offer she holds down a job for two months. Anyway, she has had some pretty intense hours on the weekends which means that the ol' numero uno has been on kid duty.
I would like to pause my dictation for a moment to explain that from time to time Amy and I like to hash out one of our favorite arguments, "Does watching the kids count as real work?" Somewhere she got the crazy idea that watching the kids is real work and that she is entitled to the same degree of sympathy and caring as those of us who do real work. So, naturally, I have been looking forward to being able to stay home with the kids so that I could find out firsthand if there is any real work involved.
During the past two months I have made some interesting discoveries about baby sitting and have analyzed, in depth, the process of baby sitting. With my newfound knowledge I am now able to see how baby sitting might be hard for some people, but due to my gracious nature I am willing to divulge some of the secrets that I have used these past weeks to make the job so much easier. This is only an abridged list, but feel free to take whatever tips you like and incorporate them into your own baby sitting techniques.
Naps: I cannot begin to tell you how important naps are to the entire structure of baby sitting. There is an old saying that goes, "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a noise?" I would like to amend that saying to read, "If the kids are fighting and I am taking a nap, does anyone really get hurt?" Look, the fact is it is nearly impossible to become stressed out about the kids when you have no idea what kind of stuff they are up to. This is why naps are so important. Naps keep you in an altered state of consciousness so that the worries associated with baby sitting no longer apply to you. After all, what you don't know can't inconvenience you.
Lunch: Lunchtime is a very tricky time of day for baby sitters. But I have developed a fool proof plan for avoiding the hassle of this midday nightmare. The trick simply involves a little knowledge of science. It is common knowledge that our bodies can be tricked into thinking we are full if the caloric intake is high enough. Solution: put the candy bowl down where they can help themselves! Hello calories! Kids have no self control and they will eat enough candy that they will completely miss lunch and dinner together! Goodbye lunchtime blues!
Keeping busy: Usually I have a lot that I want to get done in a day, such as getting past level ten. However, it is often hard to accomplish your important tasks when you have so many demands being put on you by kids. Kids need to be taught to entertain themselves. They need to learn to find something to do and stick with it for a while. I have the perfect answer for this problem. I have developed a way to kill both of those metaphorical birds with one stone. Here's the trick: find something you want them to do (a game, a toy, etc.), put that item in a closet, put the child into the same closet, close the door, and block the door with a chair, dresser, or some other stationary object. I guarantee that they will find a way to occupy their own time for an indefinite period, therefor allowing you time to attend to more pressing matters.
Cleanliness: It has been said that cleanliness in next to godliness. If that is the case then children are the spawn of hell. I used to get upset when I would come home from a long hard day of real work only to find that the house was a mess. But I think that these past couple months have changed my mind on this point. I used to come home and Amy would be so exasperated, saying that she had already cleaned the house six hundred fourty two times and it still looks like she hasn't lifted a finger. My answer to this, don't lift a finger. Why go to the trouble of trying to clean when it is just going to be messed up again. I know that I have saved myself plenty of work. From now on, when I come home from my job of doing real work and the house is a pig sty, I will know that it is just good advice being followed.
There are other brilliant shortcuts that I have developed over these past couple months, but in the interest of keeping this blog short I will leave you with just these four. Remember, baby sitting is not real work, but with my advice it can practically be a vacation!
I would like to pause my dictation for a moment to explain that from time to time Amy and I like to hash out one of our favorite arguments, "Does watching the kids count as real work?" Somewhere she got the crazy idea that watching the kids is real work and that she is entitled to the same degree of sympathy and caring as those of us who do real work. So, naturally, I have been looking forward to being able to stay home with the kids so that I could find out firsthand if there is any real work involved.
During the past two months I have made some interesting discoveries about baby sitting and have analyzed, in depth, the process of baby sitting. With my newfound knowledge I am now able to see how baby sitting might be hard for some people, but due to my gracious nature I am willing to divulge some of the secrets that I have used these past weeks to make the job so much easier. This is only an abridged list, but feel free to take whatever tips you like and incorporate them into your own baby sitting techniques.
Naps: I cannot begin to tell you how important naps are to the entire structure of baby sitting. There is an old saying that goes, "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a noise?" I would like to amend that saying to read, "If the kids are fighting and I am taking a nap, does anyone really get hurt?" Look, the fact is it is nearly impossible to become stressed out about the kids when you have no idea what kind of stuff they are up to. This is why naps are so important. Naps keep you in an altered state of consciousness so that the worries associated with baby sitting no longer apply to you. After all, what you don't know can't inconvenience you.
Lunch: Lunchtime is a very tricky time of day for baby sitters. But I have developed a fool proof plan for avoiding the hassle of this midday nightmare. The trick simply involves a little knowledge of science. It is common knowledge that our bodies can be tricked into thinking we are full if the caloric intake is high enough. Solution: put the candy bowl down where they can help themselves! Hello calories! Kids have no self control and they will eat enough candy that they will completely miss lunch and dinner together! Goodbye lunchtime blues!
Keeping busy: Usually I have a lot that I want to get done in a day, such as getting past level ten. However, it is often hard to accomplish your important tasks when you have so many demands being put on you by kids. Kids need to be taught to entertain themselves. They need to learn to find something to do and stick with it for a while. I have the perfect answer for this problem. I have developed a way to kill both of those metaphorical birds with one stone. Here's the trick: find something you want them to do (a game, a toy, etc.), put that item in a closet, put the child into the same closet, close the door, and block the door with a chair, dresser, or some other stationary object. I guarantee that they will find a way to occupy their own time for an indefinite period, therefor allowing you time to attend to more pressing matters.
Cleanliness: It has been said that cleanliness in next to godliness. If that is the case then children are the spawn of hell. I used to get upset when I would come home from a long hard day of real work only to find that the house was a mess. But I think that these past couple months have changed my mind on this point. I used to come home and Amy would be so exasperated, saying that she had already cleaned the house six hundred fourty two times and it still looks like she hasn't lifted a finger. My answer to this, don't lift a finger. Why go to the trouble of trying to clean when it is just going to be messed up again. I know that I have saved myself plenty of work. From now on, when I come home from my job of doing real work and the house is a pig sty, I will know that it is just good advice being followed.
There are other brilliant shortcuts that I have developed over these past couple months, but in the interest of keeping this blog short I will leave you with just these four. Remember, baby sitting is not real work, but with my advice it can practically be a vacation!
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Spies Like Us
I was recently watching an episode of Chuck on NBC, which is pretty much the best show ever, and it sparked an interesting question inside my brain. How many people do I know that are actually undercover spies? I think this is a question that each of us ask ourselves on a regular basis and just never mention it to anybody becuase if the wrong person found out you were asking questions you may end up dead. However, I am going to boldly go where no man has gone before and attempt to post my own "noc list" in an effort to expose all the spies that I know. Keep in mind, these are only guesses based on the limited amount of intel that I was able to come up with. If I suddenly come up missing or am found dead in my living room closet then you will all know that I was on to something and I would hope that one of you would be brave enough to continue my research. So, without further hesitation, here goes:
Spencer: I know that he is my son and that he is only three years old, but he definately has been displaying suspicious, spy-like behavior lately. For example, what is one thing that spies are well known for? Disguises! Spencer has, like, at least 200 costumes stuffed into his bottom drawer. I think that he uses them to do his spy work incognito!
Jared: Who goes to Hawaii for school? Nobody. Everybody knows that there aren't any schools in Hawaii. It is common knowledge that all of the top spies in the last 20 years were trained at a secret Hawaiian facility. I don't even think that Jared is as young as he claims to be. I think that he has been in the business much longer than any of us suspects. Look at this picture I found that was taken of him recently:
Grandma Goude: To me this one was very obvious. She is probably not a very good spy. She just doesn't do a very good job of keeping confidential information a secret. How else would she know that whenever we see jet trails in the sky it means that we are being secretly and heavily guarded by none other than "Big Brother"? I think that she has surveillance set up all over the neighborhood. She "mysteriously" seems to know EVERYTHING that goes on around here. She sees things in this neighborhood that no other person has or even could have seen. But somehow she knows. This one may take a bit more research.
K-Lando: Two words: code name. What more needs to be said?
D-Lando: Again, another very clever and somewhat cryptic code name. Although heres the real giveaway. I know for a fact that when he says he's "going to work" He drives to an unmarked building, parks his truck, switches vehicles for a different truck disguised as a telephone truck and leaves. Coincidence?, I think not.
I think someone is coming, I have to cut this short...
Spencer: I know that he is my son and that he is only three years old, but he definately has been displaying suspicious, spy-like behavior lately. For example, what is one thing that spies are well known for? Disguises! Spencer has, like, at least 200 costumes stuffed into his bottom drawer. I think that he uses them to do his spy work incognito!
Jared: Who goes to Hawaii for school? Nobody. Everybody knows that there aren't any schools in Hawaii. It is common knowledge that all of the top spies in the last 20 years were trained at a secret Hawaiian facility. I don't even think that Jared is as young as he claims to be. I think that he has been in the business much longer than any of us suspects. Look at this picture I found that was taken of him recently:
Grandma Goude: To me this one was very obvious. She is probably not a very good spy. She just doesn't do a very good job of keeping confidential information a secret. How else would she know that whenever we see jet trails in the sky it means that we are being secretly and heavily guarded by none other than "Big Brother"? I think that she has surveillance set up all over the neighborhood. She "mysteriously" seems to know EVERYTHING that goes on around here. She sees things in this neighborhood that no other person has or even could have seen. But somehow she knows. This one may take a bit more research.
K-Lando: Two words: code name. What more needs to be said?
D-Lando: Again, another very clever and somewhat cryptic code name. Although heres the real giveaway. I know for a fact that when he says he's "going to work" He drives to an unmarked building, parks his truck, switches vehicles for a different truck disguised as a telephone truck and leaves. Coincidence?, I think not.
I think someone is coming, I have to cut this short...
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